Eating Disorders, Knees and Summertime

Here comes the sun (Doo-d-doo-doo) / Here comes the sun / And I say, "It's all right…

(The Beatles Abbey Road, 1969).

Are you aligned with the fabulous four or does your heart sink – along with some guilt for underappreciating this planet that gives us life – as British Summer Time drops.

How does the onset of summer make you feel?

I used to dread it.

Nowadays I enjoy the warm summer months, and for the past few years I’ve lived by the sea – which let’s face it, is where we all like to be BUT I still have some leftover feelings – like residue grease on glass – that arise.

In the past my dread was made worse because people around me would be bouncing around at the temperature rise.

SUMMER LOVER: Ooh 30 degrees. I can’t wait.

ME: 30? Really?

SUMMER LOVER: I love the city in the summer. Everyone’s so happy.

ME: Great!

While friends and family celebrated I panicked. Not least about climate change, but what am I going to wear?

I’ve spent the winter hiding, now the sun's out, how can I cover up without melting or, more importantly, how can I cover up the parts of me I hate most… my knees.

Damn those knees (that make me mobile) I could wear a sack and be done with it but what I really want to do is waft along the street in a short, floaty skirt while passers by exclaim,

PASSERS-BY: Is that a human or a gazelle?! Look at those legs and tiny knees!

As I continue striding down the street – a confident, fat-free-super-being with my long lean legs and seamless knees.

But my voices were loud. 

You’re so fat, fat, fat: short, out of proportion, can’t believe you’ve let another winter go past and you’re STILL out of shape, lazy, greedy, a failure…

I’d reply, “You’re right. I know. I’ll try harder. Exercise more. Eat less. And then next summer I’ll be perfect.”

I wanted to look like anyone else on the street, but me.

The same old story on a loop – wanting to be chosen, desired and then rewarded.

I’ve mentioned this before, but the main driver for my bulimic behaviour was the relief and joy that came from starting again.

Reinvention: A new page. Clean. Fresh. Redemption.

And again, I’m repeating myself but it worked well for some time. And then it didn’t for a longer time.

I could’ve just worn the skirt and been done with it. But that wasn’t an option because I couldn’t bear not looking like my ideal look.

I’d catch my reflection in a shop window or mirror and be mortified; that single moment would ruin my day, my week.

I often felt more depressed in summer because I was meant to be happy. Why couldn’t I kick back and enjoy it like everyone else?

How Did I Overcome These Feelings?

I learnt that the brain is plastic and can change for as long as we breathe.

I wrote a new narrative. I changed my thoughts and built new neural pathways.

If you think the same thought over and over it forms a “groove” (an electrical connection) in the brain.

Make new ones!  

I deliberately and consciously set about changing my belief systems.

I stopped taking out my emotional distress on my physical self.

I consciously began to appreciate and take care of my body and say nice things to it.

There were times when my body changed, say from intense yoga, and I fulfilled that “aesthetic” – that wasn’t the reason I practiced – but when I stopped my body changed again.

I learnt to take care of my body – inside and out.

From the food I eat and my intentions around my food.

I’ve always exercised. I like being strong and flexible.

But the way I move my body changes as I grow older.

Disordered thoughts still pop up, of course, and that’s okay – they’re allowed, but they don’t stay long.

If I have a “knee” moment it'll be because I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious or uncomfortable, not because of the shape of my knees.

How Did I Know When I’d Turned The Knee Corner?

A few years ago I bought some long shorts for exercise. Think Ed Norton in Wes Anderson’s film Moonrise Kingdom (if you haven’t seen it, do) I looked like Ed. Even my husband didn’t disagree.

Took me a while to wear the shorts but one hot summer’s day I put them on to see my personal trainer, Jay Brockway from Season 3.

His studio is white, brightly lit with a wall of mirrors. Halfway through the session I caught sight of my knees peeking out from under my shorts. I had a moment of panic and disappointment. They were bigger!

I said to Jay, “My knees, what do I do about these knees?”

And he said, “Well, that’s your diet, Jem.”

That comment would’ve sent me reeling years ago.

But it didn’t because my immediate response was,

“I am not defined by my knees or any other part of my body or any thoughts I may or may not have. My knees are my knees and I love ‘em.”

Here comes the sun…

And it’s alright!