Right from the start my eating disorders made me feel special. A collection of behaviours gathered together, diagnosis: anorexia - late-middle-stage anorexia. As I said before, disappointing. I kept the bulimic stuff to myself. Restricting, purging and me. The holy triumvirate. Like one close knit group of friends sharing the same goal. 

How would you describe living with an eating disorder? It’s so easy to fall into cliché, isn’t it? Or say things that sound right or that you think you should say but you don’t really mean it. I never knew how to sum up those years. I was too close to the action. When you’re in it. You’re in it, aren’t you? What’s needed is some healthy detachment and curiosity. For me that came years later.

Years ago dread would appear from nowhere. As if an unseen hand flipped me upside down and my emotions would drain out like sand in an egg timer. I never knew when it would happen. So I wouldn't eat or I'd binge and then purge. I hated any disruption to my routine especially around food and exercise. Miss a workout? My day was screwed.

Our world is currently turbulent. Whatever is going on, it’s true to say that we are living in transformational times. I wonder if eating disorders aren’t just a perfectly nuanced response to the era we’re living in. We consume, voraciously, don’t we? 

Last year we posted two statements on our Instagram page following something I wrote on a carousel. The topic of choice regarding eating disorders gets people hot under the collar. From my own perspective knowing I had a choice when I was getting back on my feet was empowering. See what you think.

I find familial relationships utterly fascinating. I wanted to be like my brothers. They seemed to have more fun. When they were home they filled the space, and ate a lot. "Growing boys need their food!" but I was brought up quite strictly around food. 

Last week I wrote a little about diet culture and old social media (magazines) while acknowledging that there are tons of reasons why eating disorders develop. Everyone’s experience is different because we are all fundamentally unique.

We like to point the finger at the culprit, don’t we? I was affected by diet culture, and many other factors. If we removed diet culture and/or social media, would eating disorders tail off? Maybe? Some? We could do with a massive shift in perspective re our “diet culture” that’s for sure.

Our suffering happens within our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual realms. None of these are mutually exclusive. They are interdependent; we cannot have one without the other.

Feeling good enough renders our eating disorder behaviours redundant. Feeling good enough means we are just fine as we are. No need to change, modify or improve, anything. 

It’s surprising how many people, myself included, massage the truth around eating well in eating disorder recovery… It is non-negotiable. And, faintly, terrifying. 

Every time I binged and purged was the first and last time. Later I pretended that these were one off episodes. My way of managing my shame and desperation. Early on I loved my secret eating disorder world. I felt untouchable. But then my Mum found out my secret and everything changed.

I used to believe that everyone should go to therapy. Since then I’ve met several people who don’t believe in talking therapies. I’ve always wondered if that’s because they haven’t met the right therapist. It's less about the process and more about the relationship you have with the therapist.

My initial encounter with therapy happened in my early twenties. At college, I’d seen a psychiatrist and counsellor. Neither shed any light on my disordered eating so I don’t really count them. But after one session with my first therapist, I had an inkling that my eating disorders might not be about food.

Interesting?! I reached the tube station and waited on the platform. My therapist had just summed up our decade together with one of my least favourite words.

We'd been in a relationship, albeit benign, for over ten years. Would I break protocol and give him a hug? We’d never even shaken hands. The thought worried me. Is that what I was meant to do?

Performative vulnerability is fake authenticity. Appearing vulnerable in order to receive validation. Ironically this stance aligns with eating disorders helping us to hide or stay hidden, and forever masking who we really are. Read the full blog post to hear Jemma's thoughts around it.

Living with an eating disorder can be an isolating and challenging experience. However, within the darkness, there is a glimmer of hope.

We know that many of you, like us, are animal lovers… which is why we’ve decided to create a spin off series called Love This Food Thing Pets, where we feature pets from all over the world and share their relationship with food.

Jemma delves into the topic of symbolism and metaphors when it comes to eating disorder behaviours, and gives you some examples of her own symbolisms and metaphors!